For the Christian Marriage Bed {7 Tips for a Better Sex Life}

What does God’s word really say about sex in Christian marriage? Read how Christian wives can discover the joy of better sex within marriage.

Ahem. Clear throat.

Today I’m sharing a post called “5 Reasons Why Christian Women Need to Have More Sex” as part of the 31 Days to a Better Marriage series and I’ll just be honest: I’m scared spitless.

I’m beyond terrified to “go there.” After all, is sex in the Bible? Is it okay to talk about sex in Christian marriage?

This area – marriage bed tips – is one of those areas which I do not claim to be an expert in. 

Yet I find the topic so biblically underdeveloped (yes, sex is in the Bible!) that I sense a need to at least blow a trumpet and remind us all where our sights need to be when it comes to physical intimacy and a Christian sex life.

The Christian Wife’s Guide to Better Sex

7 Days to a Better Sex Life for Christians

I’ve been married a long time. Like over 20 years. And I can say the topic of sexual intimacy and sex in a Christian marriage is a tender one, a sensitive one, to me. Nothing has brought heartache… and joy… to my life and marriage quite like the marriage bed.

I’ve cried desperate tears and prayed desperate prayers and I’ve learned something about sexual intimacy: God made it good; and it’s a symbol of deep spiritual realities.

These realizations keep opening my eyes to new wonder and fresh potential regarding Christian marriage and sex.

They keep me yearning for a deeper understanding of God through the marriage bed.

They do something else too: they prompt me to pray God’s words back to Him in regards to my sexual relationship with my husband. I keep asking for more ground in this promised land called the Marriage Bed.

Because here’s the deal: I believe the greatest reason Christian women have ho-hum sex lives is because we have a watered down vision regarding sexual intimacy.

When sex is just about feeling good…

or pared down to a set of rules like “don’t do it before marriage and do it after”…

when sex is an obligation or marriage duty, when it is associated with guilt… or shame… or just plain exhaustion.. we lose sight of the glory God intended to display through the marriage bed.

We become vision-less to the depth and grace of sexual intimacy. We begin to wonder what the big deal is anyway?

This is what happens when we’ve lost the eyes to see the grandeur, the mystery, the deeper implications and sacred holiness of our sexuality.

 

If you

 

I believe the greatest thing we as Christian women can do to regain our sight, our spark and our sizzle in the bedroom is not to try a new technique or purchase new lingerie.

It isn’t to read a steamy book or watch a soft porn movie.

I believe the greatest thing we can do is pray for vision.

When Jesus asked the vision-less man, “What do you want?” his response was the expected.

“To see,” he replied.

Do we likewise realize how blind we are to the spiritual dimensions of sexual intimacy?

Do we realize how we’ve dumbed it down? And do we really want to see?

Sight is what I want. I want to see the beauty, the gift, the power, the glory, the grandeur and holiness of Christian marriage sex as God intended. I want that for us as a whole, for every Christian woman whose birthright has given her this inheritance.

Today I’d like to share 7 scriptures and prayers I pray for my sex life. As personal as this is ~  I share it with a bit of nausea in my stomach ~ my prayer is that others crying those desperate tears and praying those desperate prayers would be encouraged to see God. Yes, through your sexuality.

I pray each of us gain a godly vision for the Christian marriage bed, one that presses far beyond the do’s and don’ts, beyond the should’s and could’s to the Glory available here; and may each of us who know Christ possess a sexual union with our spouse enviable to those without Christ.

My challenge for us is to take the next seven days and pray one verse a day for our sex lives. That’s it! I’ve even prepared printable scripture cards you can use for the next seven days. If you are ready for more of God in your marriage bed, don’t miss this ready-made opportunity to pray God’s word over your sex life.

I bet you’ll be glad you did~ wink~

For His Glory,
AJ

The Christian Wife

The Christian Wife’s Guide to Better Sex.**

1. “That in all things, He may have preeminence.” Colossians 1:18

Lord, I believe my sexuality is not primarily about me. It isn’t primarily about my spouse. It’s mostly about Jesus Christ. I believe You have made me a sexual being and desire to make a theological statement – a statement about YOU and YOUR Glory- in my sexuality.

May You be the One of pre-eminance in my sex life. I want the message my sexuality communicates to be worthy of You: clean, strong, pure, noble, beautiful, and full of Glory. Lord Jesus, I invite You now to do in my life what it takes for You to be pre-eminent in my sex life.

2. “For everything created by God is good.” I Timothy 4:3-5

God, You are the maker of sex. Not Hollywood. Not some romance book. You. And everything You make is good. This includes sex. There are many ways sex has been perverted over time and in our culture. There are many wrong ways to use, misuse, and abuse sex. These sinful distortions of sex sear the heart and can affect how I perceive sex.

But because You created sex as good, I will not reject it as bad, dirty, or ungodly. I will not reject it as taboo or see it as duty but will receive it as a gift to both give and receive.

I ask that You would take my step of faith and sanctify sex to me, in my body…  in my emotions… and in  my mind. Take the truth of Your word and shape my belief system regarding sex around it. Do something I cannot do, Lord. I commit afresh to praying Your word over my sex life, believing that it will be sanctified in practice as I ponder and receive Your truth. Rewrite my sex script to line up with Your word which says sex is holy, good, and the marriage bed undefiled.

“For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with gratitude; for it is sanctified by means of the word of God and prayer.” I Timothy 4:3-5

3. “Whatever you do, do all to the Glory of God.” I Corinthians 10:31

Father, I believe Your word when it says I can do everything in a way that portrays You as beautiful and glorious. My sex life can bring You great glory. Lord, give me a vision for what that looks like. Through Hollywood, pop culture and the world, I’ve been given visions of what un-glorified sex looks like. I know what fleshly passion looks like; now give me a vision of what sexual passion and intimacy that honors You looks like.

For Your honor I ask this, amen!

4. “They were naked and not ashamed.” Genesis 2:25

Creator God, when You made people and gave the gift of sex, there was no shame in it. Sexual shame was not Your original intent; sin is what ushered in shame. Yet even in that, You have provided a covering for sin and the removal of shame. Lord, I can have such deep feelings of shame in this area of sex but I thank You for the covering You have provided for me. Just as You killed an animal to cover the nakedness- the exposure, vulnerability, and shame- of Adam and Eve after their sin, You have provided the perfect, spotless Lamb to cover me. Even as I confess to You my sin and shame, I receive the covering You have given in Your love and kindness. Thank You for Jesus!

5. “Run from sexual sin!” I Corinthians 6:18-20

You are holy, Lord. You desire holiness in my sexuality and I do too. Help me to recognize sexual impurities, temptations and fleshly lusts and grant me the strength to FLEE them. My body, mind, and emotions are Yours, Lord. As such, I desire to present the members of my body and mind to You, as instruments of righteousness, not as instruments of sin. Help me to honor You in and through my body.

6. “Outdo one another in showing honor.” Romans 12:10

Lord, I have a desire to sexually bless my spouse and outdo him in love. I desire to be a vessel of grace to him. I desire to be a loving doe and fruitful vine. And when fear at these very words enter my heart, I choose to trust that fear is not from You for You have not given me a spirit of fear but of Love, power, and a sound mind… even in regards to the gift of sex.

Thank You Lord!

7. “Finally, whatever is commendable, excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8

Lord, You have made our brains to be the biggest sex organ we have. Our minds are so involved in our sexuality and sexual behavior! I desire my thought life in regards to sex to be full of things that are true, lovely, and of good report.

And even as I ask this, I see how woefully short I fall in my thinking. How vision-less I tend to be when it comes to sex. How lacking I am in praise worthy things regarding sex. So please full up my mind with good fuel when it comes to sex. Help me be cognizant of TRUE things, good things, excellent, lovely, and pure things. Bring to mind the remembrance of these things, Lord and be glorified as my thinking changes to reflect sexual thoughts that honor You.

Thank You God for the gift of sex. Use it in my life to make much of Your name.

How about it? Pray just one of these scriptures a day for the next 7 days?

7 verses in 7 days… that’s it! No rules, no tricks, no techniques… just prayer. And see how the Lord works?

 

Grab your copy of  The Christian Wife’s Guide to Better Sex by visiting our shop here.** 

And be sure to visit 31 Days to a Better Marriage for more encouragement on cultivating a godly marriage.

If you are still searching for Christian sex advice, please check out this book by Sheila Wray Gregoire. Sheila shares wonderful tips for a married Christian sex-life in this book and helps us to see how culture has made our view of sex very shallow.




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55 Comments

  1. Even in the “uncomfortableness” of sharing, you speak so much truth! THANK YOU for being brave, stepping out, and sharing a message that so desperately needs to reach married couples. These seven prayers are beautiful – I appreciate the time and commitment you’ve put into making this message impactful & encouraging. God bless you for sharing. :)

  2. Great job on this article, Arabah. Prayer – that is HUGE. That is what has brought much healing and freedom for me. It has been through prayer that there has been incredible blessings in this area of my marriage. He is faithful in even this area of marriage. He heals and restores. He removes the shame and replaces it with joy. I am so glad you wrote this, Arabah.

  3. Thank you, Arabah, for being brave enough to tackle this sensitive, but important subject. I will be praying along with you. What wife doesn’t need a little divine help in this area?
    Love to you from Arizona.

  4. Oh, Arabah, I just love you. I think so many of us deal with this secret issue. What a wonderful way to bring it into the light…and even better, to encourage us to bring it before the Lord. I’m sharing this with my community. Thanks for being so brave.
    Jenni

  5. Thank you, Arabah, for stepping into the uncomfortable! For many women, like me, abuse is in the past. To step beyond the abuse into something holy is tremendously difficult. I have been married for 20+ years, and God has healed me from many things. However, to get to that place of sex being a holy endeavor… I just want to say I will be printing these cards and praying through them daily. Thank you so much for reaching out to us, your sisters, to take us into that deeper walk with our Lord! Roberta

  6. Arabahjoy, Thank you for sharing this truth. It spoke to me in the season that I am in right now! God’s timing is always so perfect!!! You may not have meant for it to go to all the people that it did, but God did. Thanks again! Going to sign up:) God Bless

  7. Hi! Thank you for your perspective on this subject and the encouragement to have our own perspective from only Abba. Could you please explain the sentence about when sex is a set of rules like don’t do it before marriage but, do it after. What exactly does that mean? Could that be mistaken to mean to some that have no knowledge that its okay before marriage as long as you seek God about it? No intention of upsetment just wondering and thought it could be misunderstood by someone seeking. Thank you for your reply. .. Sandy

    1. Hi Sandy! Thanks for bringing this question up. This comment affirms both of these truths: Pre-marital sex is not God’s will, which means it is sin. And after marriage, we are not to sexually deny our spouse (I Cor 7:5). The comment does not negate either of these, it simply means God’s communication regarding sex did not stop there, with those two “rules.” We need to go much, much deeper as believers. Hope that clarifies!

  8. Thank you so so much for sharing this. <3 to speak truth and encouragement to your fellow sisters. To proclaim what is good, and point us to Him who created intimacy for such a wonderful sacred purpose, may we have His vision!

  9. Yes! Good words! I love how you keep Him first, even in the bedroom! I, too, think Christ-followers are missing out because we have allowed Hollywood and this world to shape our image of what love looks like. Thank you for your obedience in addressing this. <3

  10. Thank you. This is a topic I continue to study. Well, honestly, I study, then I don’t study, then I study again. I’ve been married over 30 years to a wonderful man. We have made huge strides and still have much to learn. I believe this is the under taught subject in the Church. So thank you again. Just in case you haven’t discover this study, I recommend “Passion Pursuit What kind of love are you making?” by Linda Dillow and Dr. Juli Slattery. A great resource/study.

  11. Why is this directed to wives only? Why not to the couple? Why is it that so much of what I read about fixing or improving marriage and family life is directed to women, and yet men are supposed to be the leaders. For my type A personality, this is so confusing. On one hand you’re telling me to fix it, but the hand is in a let your husband lead glove….What? I must depend on God to order my steps. He will help me to understand.

    1. Hi Lilly, I understand what you are saying. It could certainly apply to both men and women, and to couples as well. I personally did not feel comfortable directing these words towards a man, which is why I choose to address women. Ideally, couples would do this together. :) Thanks for bringing this up.

  12. Thanks for your courage in sharing such a wise and well-written post!

    Always appreciate what you have to share and how much time and thought you put into everything that you write!

    You are a blessing~
    Melanie

  13. It truly is a inspirational way of looking at intimacy . I know that many young couples are faced with challenging issues in this area of their marriage. I can only affirm that speaking Godliness over our sexuality is a wonderful experience. Thank you Arabah, for sharing this with us.

  14. Thank you so much for writing this post, It’s been such a blessing. I suppose being currently unmarried this post wasn’t specifically designed for me. However, I see the value in renewing my mind to God’s view of sexual intimacy, the blessing of waiting for the marriage bed. This post gives me hope and a renewed sense of THIS is what I am waiting for. THIS is why. It is extremely encouraging and I thank you for sharing.

  15. This is excellent!! I’m printing these suckers and sharing with my married daughter! Every wife needs this. Because sex is just hard. Thanks for being brave enough to take it on! (I was brave enough, but I made it a secret gift for my email subscribers for a special I ran once. I personally emailed it to each subscriber and crossed my fingers I wouldn’t hear back!! I may dog it back out and dust it off one of these days.)
    Keep on rockin, girl! :)

  16. Excellent thoughts and application of scripture to a sensitive topic. Your insight is right on and very helpful in changing the perception our culture has given to something that is holy and beautiful

  17. Thank you for your courage in writing this article. For me–it was a providential read, and something that has been weighing on my heart. What a beautiful way to pray.

  18. I’m so grateful to God and you for this approach to prayer for our sexual relationships in marriage. Thank you for addressing the battle, the pain, and the Victorious One with such simplicity and eloquence.

    I’m looking forward to sharing your prayers with the Marriage Armor for the #PrayingBride Community.

    May God prosper you and this article in exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ask or imagine ways!

  19. God’s design of sexual intimacy cannot have enough advocates! Thank you for this. Satan’s lie is that sex is just a physical pleasure, meaningless in all other aspects. Oh, what a horrid deception. Thank you for showing so well the intersection between the sheets of theology and physicality. To God be the glory.

    1. Women of God, help a guy out! Was there a moment where your desire to love your husband sexually first started? It’s there anything a husband can do while patiently and respectfully waiting for the “light to come on” for her?

      My wife is kind and sweet but just totally doesn’t understand how sex can be how I best communicate and receive love. At best she begrudgingly tolerates me, at worst she disrespects me by acting like I am a pig for wanting her.

      Though I admit that early in marriage it wasn’t so, thank to the Lord dealing with me today I am proud to say I am very careful to be kind and patient, not wanting to force or push anything; I don’t want to trample her feelings. I work hard to woo her, to journal about her likes and dislikes, to flirt, forwarn, initiate and foreplay. I try to take responsibility for everything in my power to make it easy on her. I even work hard as a youth pastor and with refugees to have another outlet for my passion, so as not to overwhelm her with need or expectations. I work hard around the house and rarely mention how I feel about our sex life so that she can continue to rely on me as her manly man.

      I do sometimes try to gently tell her how I feel and put my needs out there, but I just feel like she never gets it. I have offered podcasts, bible studies and articles, but of course I can’t force it in her. Deep down I know she loves me, but she doesn’t seem to care at all to understand me, sex, or our marriage…the “vision” AJ talks about here. She takes advantage of my patience and keeps me at 4th or 5th priority until I can’t handle it, then she gives me some small tokens of pity affection.

      For you women who understand the importance of sex, was there a moment it clicked, or did you always more or less respect it? If it was a change in you, how? When did the light turn on? What did you need? Anything a husband can do to help? Or to patiently support her better until she discovers God’s plan?

      1. There is a resource that changed my parents’ marriage 30 years in; they told me that if they had heard this series early on, their whole marriage would have been different. It’s not just another marriage resource that helps for a while and then doesn’t anymore–it goes into precise detail about the differences between men and women, such as their greatest needs, desires, and expectations. It’s called Love and Respect. There is a section in it for wives about how important sexual intimacy is to men–I think this would help your wife.

        Here’s a link to the website. There’s an into video there. I have watched their video series and read most of the book. I would recommend watching the DVD series together, or at least by yourself. I just can’t recommend it enough from the bottom of my heart.

        https://loveandrespect.com/

        It’s not just another marriage series that makes no lasting impact. I believe it would make the lightbulb go off for your wife. If nothing else, pray without giving up. I gave up praying that my parents’ marriage would come around, but it did after I went off to college. You never know when God is about to do something.

        God bless you and your marriage!

  20. My God… Thank you very much!
    I was looking for encouragement since one week, about ‘this subject’.
    When I saw and began to read your post, I was directly in tears…

    Thank you for your service…

    God bless you!

  21. Wow, God brought me here this morning in a time of desperation it would seem. I so needed this site where so many of the issues I have been struggling with are dealt with. God’s word is powerful and I thank you for your insights into this very personal area. My husband of 26 year and I have been in a very bad place the past couple years. He is a very “sexual” person, I believe mainly because he isn’t a great communicator. In lieu of talking things out when we have conflict he just wants to have sex. Lately however, having gone through menopause, sex is so different now. Just looking for some truths to walk through this pain and change with God because doing it on my own power…not working so well :(
    Thanks for all you have shared with this blog!

  22. Oh.my.word! What a resource this is! Thank you so much for stepping out and writing this and pressing publish. I can just imagine the freedom that will take place in the area of sexual intimacy for marriages across the world, including mine. It seems many are afraid to touch on this subject. Bravo for pushing past the uncomfortableness and speaking up. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!! (And my hubby will thank you as well). I’m expecting God to show up in a mighty way-

  23. Sexual intimacy is one of the main reasons marriages fail and partners (particularly men) search for sex and intimacy externally. As Pope Francis accurately said- in a marriage- we all should know three phrases to use constantly and sincerely: I love you, thank-you and I’m sorry. Women should NEVER feel ashamed of sexual pleasure- God created everyone on purpose with every part to serve a purpose- including the female genitalia. Both partners need to be open to one another’s sexual needs (no more, not tonight dear I have a headache). Most women forget they enjoy sex until the act is over and more often than not- a great intimacy, a bond, and or conversation arises post-sex. I strongly recommend all readers to watch Michele Weiner-Davis lecture “The Sex-Starved Marriage” on TEDX. although the lecture is secular- it remains an interesting, eye-opening and soul-searching analysis and cures to perpetuate the sacred rite of marriage.

  24. Wow, Arabah! What a great post. Thank you for being so honest, even if you felt nauseous sharing it. This post was so uplifting and encouraging. You are a blessing to so many women! <3

    Emma
    Imhislittle.com

  25. You have chosen an incredibly great topic and written an amazing article! This is something that most women feel uncomfortable to speak about loudly. To my mind, there is no reason we should whisper about our sexual life and sexuality.
    You did a great job providing the exact citations from the Bible that perfectly support your ideas. Being a Christian and a daughter of our Lord, I always try hard to express my honor to Him. Sex bares my soul and helps me to show affection to everything created by God. How else we can express our gratitude to Him, if not through love to other people?
    I am praying for you! You spread deep and valuable thoughts.
    Thank You!

  26. My wife heard the message all her life that sex is something to avoid. She was a “nice girl” and nice girls do not have sex. We were appropriately chaste during our engagement and never did anything we should not have done. Now I am her husband and she apparently did not hear the other side of the message that “good wives” do not deprive their husbands. She avoids sex as much as she can and I am able to get relief after a fight about my marital rights. I have to fight whenever I get her to our marriage bed (she sleeps in another room) and she is about as interested in sex as a prisoner who has just been beaten into submission. She always asks me to hurry and get it done as fast as I can.

    I want to love my wife and give her the greatest pleasure in her life. I want to spend hours feasting on love with her. I want to take her to a place she has never been concerning our love. All I ever get is a fight and a dutiful submission from her at the infrequent times when she even allows me to love her.

    This drives me crazy and leaves me open to many temptations. I have strong urges and want to satisfy all of them with my wife. She refuses me and usually deprives me.

    Please pray for my marriage. I will always be her husband. I even told her that I would never divorce for this reason. I am terribly deprived and need (not want but need) the pleasure, joy and relief that comes with chastity in my Christian marriage. My initials are SG, if you choose to pray for me.

    1. Dear SG, I’m so sorry to read your story and hear your frustration. You aren’t alone. Unfortunately, many Christian parents teach one side of sexual behavior but neglect the other. This causes such pain later in marriage. I’m sorry your marriage is experiencing this. I will pray for you and your wife. If it would help, feel free to share this post with her. We are committed to loving on both of you through prayers and biblical truth. I also suggest speaking with a godly man or couple about this issue. There is no shame in this situation and others have been there. Help is available! {{Hugs}} AJ

  27. As a busy mother of three, I’ve had to learn a few things to keep my husband fulfilled in this area. There are two truths that God taught me that has forever changed my attitude about sex. I think too often, we do fall into the “I’m just too tired” trap. And yes, there are still times when that happens. But as I dealt with raising three babies, and waking often throughout the night to feed them with not one complaint, I felt God whisper to me… “You are so willing to lose sleep to care for your child, why are you not willing to lose sleep for your husband?” That really hit me in the face, and I made the decision to never use the “I’m too tired” excuse anymore. It does happen once in a while, but I try not to use it very much at all. The second thing I learned comes from Arabah’s Point #7 – Phillipians 4:8 – whenever I’m not feeling “in the mood” or attracted to my husband, I practice Phillipians 4:8 specifically thinking about my husband. I go over and over in my head what I love about him. I remember why I’m so thankful to have him in my life. When I continually think about those things, it makes it much easier for me to follow him into the bedroom with a smile on my face. :)

  28. Thank you for this post. This is an area I struggle in greatly. I’m embarrassed in just writing you this comment. I WILL pray these scriptures for my marriage and for my heart.

  29. Wow! This post was amazing it truly blessed me! I have gone through some things in my life before marriage that are effecting my marriage bed and this just opened my eyes to some things that I didn’t even realize were there. Thank you so much for your obedience to God and sharing this information!

  30. Beautifully written. It also reminded me of a few tbings. I am also a married believer whom God has given the charge of tackling sex in Christian marriage, however from a bit of a different perspective. I believe it has plenty to do with the physical and mental you because thats who is mostly brought to the marriage bed. I agree that God has our answers but everyone is not there and need practical help in the interim. I also strongly believe if women were more educated about their sexual anatomy and their own sexual responses and were taught how to be brave in speaking up about their sexual needs they would have better sex. Too many Christian women suffer from sexual disappointment and frustration because of these two facts, and of course amomg other things like negative views about sex. Akl that said I am proud of your courage to broach the subject. Keep it up and congrats on your book.

  31. Wow, this article was very helpful to me. I have read tons of articles lately on Christian sex in marriage because I got married a few months ago. None of them have hit on the point you did that sex isn’t just about feeling good but about “the grandeur, the mystery, and the deeper implications” that come with it. This is the most important point, but so many great Christian bloggers promoting sexual intimacy in marriage, and even Christian books on sex, have left this out. Wow, this really changed everything for me. I can’t believe I forgot about this point. Thank you so much for sharing. You will never know what a difference you have made in my life and how that will change the rest of my marriage. God bless you!

  32. I know this post is older, but thank you! This is exactly the mindset we promote both on our Twitter feed, as well as our interactive community at Mighty Networks. It is so important that both men and women feel safe to communicate and be open about such an important topic. God created sex and wants us to enjoy it, not fear it. Thank you!!!

  33. At 5 years old, this article is still reaching thirsty souls. Thank you for this.

    My husband and I have been married for over 10 years, and the whole time I’ve felt like he’s been more physically attracted to me than I to him. Which hurts my heart, because I don’t desire to have sex with him that much. Which in turn hurts him. It’s been rough.

    But I am going to pray these scriptures over our marriage, and I believe God will mold me into the woman he has had planned for my husband this whole time.

    May God continue to bless you, and all the women and men seeking God’s direction in their marriages here. ♥️

  34. Such an amazing post and I agree with Jessicamae who says that this article is still speaking truth 5 years later!! I have been married for 37 years and I am still working through childhood sexual abuse that has effected me all of my life. Many strides have been made through seeking the Lord and His counsel and guidance and I still have far to go. Total healing will come on the other side and yet He is healing me continually while I am still in the Earth. Thanks again for this article. I have just finiahed praying through the verses and I will continue to pray through them as He continues to heal.

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