How Sex Outside of Marriage Ruined My Marriage

There are a variety of opinions on premarital sex, but God’s Word is very clear. Today, Shelley is here to share the Christian view on premarital sex, as we continue our series on Christian sex and intimacy in marriage.

There are a variety of opinions on premarital sex, but God's Word is very clear. Read the Christian view on premarital sex, in our series on Christian sex and intimacy in marriage.

The Christian View on Premarital Sex

How Do I Know That You’ll Wish You Hadn’t Had Sex Before Marriage?

With a wedding date set, venues reserved, and deposits made, my fiancé and I found ourselves circling the drain less than 6 months before we were to become husband and wife.

After proposing, he suggested we attend premarital counseling. He was far from God at the time. However, something in the back of his mind gnawed at him to do it.

Within a few months of starting counseling, the wedding was off, the money was lost, and I was livid. One minute I was engaged to the greatest guy I had ever met and the next, it was all gone!

You see, we had been having sex since the beginning of our relationship. The Christian view on premarital sex was not something we had abided by. Instead, sex served as the band aid for any and every issue we didn’t feel like addressing. Shortly after beginning counseling, we had stopped having sex. The band aid had been ripped off, and we were suffering and bleeding.

Having sex before marriage destroyed our relationship.

Why Does It Have To Be So Difficult To Wait Until Marriage?

Sex is so main stream in today’s dark, dirty, diseased culture. It’s easy for truth to get twisted and distorted. I explain it like this: Imagine that you are twelve years old. You wake up one day, yawn, stretch and head down stairs for breakfast.

You’re happy, rested and joyful, when you walk by the window and see a mutilated face staring in at you! You let out a scream at the hideousness of that face! It is the most horrific, terrifying thing you have ever seen!

Now imagine that every single day, since the day you were born, that same face has lived right outside your window. It’s there, minding its own business. Seemingly harmless. Every once in a while, it looks over at you, but you’ve never known any different so that face isn’t scary at all.

What’s the difference between the two faces? Nothing. They are both terrifying. The difference is in the heart of the 12-year-old. The first knows only beauty. The second has been “conformed to this world” (Romans 12:2). The scary face is the truth of what sex before marriage will do to your heart. The not-so-scary-face is merely the way the world has conditioned you to see.

How Do I, “{Keep my} body as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God?” Romans 12:1

Ugly things look ugly, when you flood your eyes with beauty! It makes sense that if you have grown up seeing that horrific face every day (which you have, we all have,) you have become desensitized to it.

It’s crucial that you come to see the Christian view on premarital sex for what it really is. You must look upon the most beautiful face. Call upon the most beautiful name. Seek the man who longs to possess your whole heart. The man that would never ask you to compromise your body. To flood your eyes with beauty, look upon the face of Jesus.


Three Powerfully Practical Steps To Wait Until Marriage 

#1. Draw the line in the sand.

Use Romans 12:1 as your battle cry. The truth of being young today is that you have to be pretty headstrong if you want to stand for beauty. Talk to your boyfriend and your friends about your position on Christian dating and sex. The words, “I will not be having sex before I get married and I won’t be discussing it further” should be all you need to say on the matter. Make your position clear and unwavering. If the subject comes up again, you have the right to walk away. If the subject comes up repeatedly after you have made it clear that your heart and body belongs to Jesus, it may be time to reconsider the person who isn’t respecting your boundaries as these boundaries help to create a healthy Christian sexuality.

#2. Carry Scripture with you.

I recently read a story about a woman who was determined to get victory over past sexual sin. She had a particular sin that was difficult for her. However, she was resolved to honor Christ with her body. So, she carried index cards with her. Literally, in her back pocket, everywhere she went, she had Scripture on index cards. When she felt herself being pulled into that dark place, she got out those cards and read them OUT LOUD. Each time, Jesus pulled her back into the light.

Being committed to something means doing whatever is necessary to see it through. God’s Word will never fail you. It won’t. But you have to be the one to activate it. It’s not doing anything for you trapped inside your Bible. Extract it from that book and implant it into your heart. If you are struggling with the Christian view on premarital sex, carry these verses with you.

Three powerful verses to study and activate in your heart:

  • John 10:10 (do not allow the thief to steal your purity)
  • John 14:21 (if you love Jesus… you keep his commands) Consider Exodus 20:14
  • John 15:13 (Jesus laid his life down for you and His love is more perfect than any man’s)

#3. Be in the company of beauty.

Do your friends understand your resolve to present your body as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God? As believers, we often think that we have to be in evangelical mode 24/7. While Jesus did dine with sinners, when He needed support, He called upon His disciples. When He was in the garden before His crucifixion He surrounded Himself with believers who would support Him. Surround yourself with like-minded young women who share your Christian view on premarital sex, and take a vacation from friends who pull you toward the ugly face.

Run Hard After Jesus – Seek His Beautiful Face!

Lastly, sister… be encouraged that the same power that rose Jesus from the grave abides in you. Fortunately for me and my fiancé, we were able to use that power to build a brand new relationship. We turned our premarital counseling into individual counseling.

We each ran hard after Christ. In doing so, we were able to come back together as two restored people. We recently celebrated 15 years of marriage, have 4 beautiful children and I’m so grateful for the restorative power of Jesus Christ. We’ve used this experience to build a strong, married Christian sexuality. Run hard after Jesus!


Shelley Jefsen is a lover of Jesus, wife, homeschooling mother of 4, and author of 5 Steps to Raising A Well-Behaved Child Ebook and the Raise Good Kids 28 Day Parenting Devotional. She is the CEO and Founder of A Family Meeting Blog. Her passion is providing moms with good parenting for raising great kids, so they can feel confident in their efforts to build a strong family dynamic!  Shelley resides in Tennessee with her husband, four kids, one crazy dog, a horse and eight chickens. Shelley and her family can typically be found outside working on their mini-farm and happily playing in the dirt.

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